My Gods, the ‘Herald on Sunday’ is bi-polar. For the last several years whilst self loather Rachel Glacouma has been doing ‘Spy’, their cheap and always nasty gossip insert, they would have had us believe sally ridge was a shit mother with a huge sexual appetite and no morals and a shit life. Every piece written on the lady was nasty and full of innuendo and cruelty. Now that the cutter has been moved to write about politicians for the weekday Herald, which just shows how disgusting Granny herald has become it allows that creature to write about politics like she has a clue, suddenly ‘Spy’ seems to love Sally. They had a story about how Kiwis are chomping at the bit to watch her show. It seems strange as their view for the last decade has been that Sally is a disgusting cunt. Seems strange now they are singing her praises and are convinced the country want her show. Here are the best bits of mindreading from whatever hack ‘writes’ for them now……
Don’t even try to act like you’re not interested in the Ridges.
One online story on Sally and Jaime Ridge’s proposed reality show attracted a staggering 600 comments, irrefutable proof that people do care – one way or the other.
My guess is that the show will go ahead. Reality TV is a ratings winner, and Sally and Jaime are lightning rods for everything that we love/hate about contemporary celebrity culture.
My advice to TV3 is to strike while the iron is hot. Green means go!
I know tabloids are rather new in New Zealand, but could the editors and writers for the ‘H.O.S.’ remember that when you hate someone, and especially when you pour such vitriol and hate on her for years, the ‘Road to Damascus’ change does not work nor is believable.
The end of times are near and this mess is the first sign.
Justin Bieber is “excited” about his second book deal.
The global pop sensation will be putting together an autobiographical record of his incredible career.
Titled Justin Bieber: Just Getting Started, the tome will give fans an exclusive insight into the teenager’s pop star life.
“I’m so excited to be working on another book with HarperCollins,” he told Us Weekly.
“Being able to share my story with my fans through these books is an absolute privilege. I can’t wait to show them more about my life on tour and in the studio in this next book.”
US citizens of all political persuasions are still reeling from images of unparallelled police brutality in a coordinated crackdown against peaceful OWS protesters in cities across the nation this past week. An elderly woman was pepper-sprayed in the face; the scene of unresisting, supine students at UC Davis being pepper-sprayed by phalanxes of riot police went viral online; images proliferated of young women – targeted seemingly for their gender – screaming, dragged by the hair by police in riot gear; and the pictures of a young man, stunned and bleeding profusely from the head, emerged in the record of the middle-of-the-night clearing of Zuccotti Park.
But just when Americans thought we had the picture – was this crazy police and mayoral overkill, on a municipal level, in many different cities? – the picture darkened. The National Union of Journalists and the Committee to Protect Journalists issued a Freedom of Information Act request to investigate possible federal involvement with law enforcement practices that appeared to target journalists. The New York Times reported that “New York cops have arrested, punched, whacked, shoved to the ground and tossed a barrier at reporters and photographers” covering protests. Reporters were asked by NYPD to raise their hands to prove they had credentials: when many dutifully did so, they were taken, upon threat of arrest, away from the story they were covering, and penned far from the site in which the news was unfolding. Other reporters wearing press passes were arrested and roughed up by cops, after being – falsely – informed by police that “It is illegal to take pictures on the sidewalk.”
Here’s an excerpt from God’s upcoming memoir, The Last Testament (as ghostwritten by former Daily Show head writer David Javerbaum). You can download a free sample chapter of the book here, here, or here.
In the book, God talks about how he initially created two gay men in the Garden of Eden and why they eventually had to go back into the closet.
It is often said-and even more often screamed at anti–gay marriage rallies outside the statehouse in Lansing-that I created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Now will I tell the story of the first man, Adam; and of the companion I fashioned for him, Steve; and of the great closeting that befell their relationship.
For after I created the earth, and sea, and every plant and seed and beast of the field and fowl of the air, and had the place pretty much set up, I saw that it was good;
But I also saw, that by way of oversight it made good administrative sense to establish a new middle managerial position.
So as my final act of Day Six, I formed a man from the dust of the ground, and breathed life into his nostrils; and I called him Adam, to give him a leg up alphabetically.
And lo, I made him for my image; not in my image, but for my image; because with Creations thou never gettest a second chance to make a first impression;
And so in fashioning him I sought to make not only a responsible planetary caretaker, but also an attractive, likeable spokesman who in the event of environmental catastrophe could project a certain warmth.
To immediately assess his ability to function in my absence, I decided to change my plans; for I had intended to use Day Seven to infuse the universe with an innate sense of compassion and moral justice; but instead I left him in charge and snoozed.
And Adam passed my test; yea, he was by far my greatest achievement; he befriended all my creatures, and named them, and cared for them; and tended the Garden most skillfully; for he had a great eye for landscape design.
But I soon noticed he felt bereft in his solitude; for oft he sighed, and pined for a helpmeet; and furthermore he masturbated incessantly, until he had well nigh besplattered paradise.
So one night I caused him to fall into a deep sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib, though not a load bearing one.
And from this rib I fashioned a companion for him; a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom; ripped, and cut, and hung like unto a fig tree before the harvest;
Yea, and a power bottom.
And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy; and he called the man Steve; I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep things informal.
And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no shame; they knew each other, as often as possible; truly their loins were a wonderland.
And they were happy, having not yet eaten of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.
Now the snake was more closeted than any animal in the Garden; literally on the down flow; for though he oft hissed his desire to mate with comely serpentesses, yet he lisped, and fretted over his skin care, and could not have looked more phallic if he’d had balls for a rattle.
And that which he needlessly despised in himself, he set out to destroy in others; so one day he slithered unto Steve and said, “Steve! ‘Tsup? Hey, random question for thee: Hast thou ever eaten the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful? ‘Cause I hear it’s some quality produce!”
Long did the serpent cozen Steve in this way; at first he balked, but the serpent tricked him, by telling him that the fruit would intensify his orgasm; which was a reckless lie;
For the fruit did not intensify orgasms; it merely prolonged them forty five minutes.
And so Steve ate of the tree; and he bid Adam eat of it; and the knowledge that their lifestyle was sinful shamed them, and also filled them with white hot lust; and they entwined themselves unceasingly until dawn.
(For it was and remains true, that all aspects of sexual activity grow more pleasurable following their moral condemnation.)
But in the morning they grew embarrassed, and cloaked themselves in fig leaves; these constituting the entirety of their fall collection.
And they heard me walking in the garden in the cool of the day; and they hid themselves from my presence behind a grove; which, a lot of good that’s going to do;
And I called, “Adam and Steve, where art thou?”
And Adam said, “Father, there is something we need to tell thee: we are gay.”
And I said, “Whhhuuuhhhhh?!?”
And Steve said, “Yea, it is true, LORD; for the snake bid me eat the fruit of the forbidden Tree; and I gave it to Adam; and now we know that we are not only here, but queer; and lo, we would thou growest accustomed to it.”
And I turned to the serpent and screamed, “Thou hast ruined everything; for I had wrought Steve of the same gender as Adam, so that they could not breed, and would be free to focus on their gardening careers;
But thou hast made them ashamed for no reason, by convincing them to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.”
“But LORD,” said the serpent, “surely I could not have done this evil thing, if thou didst not inexplicably put this stigmatizing tree in the Garden to begin with.”
I considered this.
“Look,” I said, “hindsight is twenty twenty.
And surely this is not the time to play the ‘blame game’; at least not until my full scale internal investigation is complete;
Whose findings will be used to ensure, that an event as tragic as the Fall of Man, never happens again.
But in the meantime, serpent, thou art cursed above every beast of the field; and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life; and even the humans who study thee will be accursed; for they will be known as ‘herpetologists,’ which sounds like ‘herpes.’
And as for you, Adam and Steve: Damn it! I knew I should have made you lesbians!
Then you would have tended the Garden with more diligence; yea, and been a lot more outdoorsy in general.
But ye have been disobedient; and for that I must now inflict upon you the harshest punishment possible:
Transforming you from carefree young lovers living in the heart of everything, to a married couple with kids stuck in the suburbs.
Steve, so that thou mayest bear young, I will tomorrow transform thee into a woman; fear not, the operation is relatively standard; in the meantime, put this on.
Oh, and consider what female name thou wilt want; try to make it something that rhymes with ‘Steve’, so that 6,000 years from now, the righteous can use it to create the most inane slogan of all time.
As for posterity, do not worry about humanity learning the true nature of thy relationship.
I am the LORD thy God, King of the Universe; I know how to spin this.”