Do You Ever Feel Suicidal?
http://www.therealstevegray.com/2011/12/do-you-ever-feel-suicidal/
WE DON’T REALLY TALK ABOUT THIS DO WE? THE SUICIDE FEELINGS? WHEN I WAS 15 I TOOK MY FATHERS EPILEPSY MEDICATION TO KILL MYSELF. I DID NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO BOARDING SCHOOL AT ALL AND MY FATHER SAID I COULD LEAVE AND LIVE WITH HIM. I WANTED TO. BUT MY MOTHER WOULD NOT LET ME. WOW, IF I HAD…….. BUT SHE WOULD NOT LET ME.
I HATED THE FACT THEY WOULD NOT LET ME DECIDE WHAT I COULD OR COULD NOT DO. HOW DARE THEY! SO I TOOK ALL THESE PILLS……………
AND SLEPT FOR 2 DAYS BUT WOKE UP TO CHUNDER…..
AND NOONE NOTICED.
WELL….THAT KINDA MADE SOME POINT, UT I LIVED.
BUT AT THAT TIME I SAW NO FUTURE, I JUST SAW A DARK CLOUD A VOID A NOTHING….I SAW NO WAY FORWARD SO I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF…..
AND I LIVED. AND NO ONE KNEW I TRIED. BUT I DID. GOOD.
THIS VIDEO JUST TURNED UP TODAY AND IS DOING THE ROUNDS. WHATEVER THAT MEANS. POELPLE ARE SHARING THIS VIDEO BUT I THINK IT NEEDS CONTEXT. THAT IS WHY I AM SHARING THIS STORY. SOMETIMES IT IS HARD TO SEE A END TO THE DARKNESS, ANDE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW IT LIFTS,
BUT AT THAT TIME,,,,I SAW NO FUTURE I SAW ONLY CLOUDS….BUT YOU GET THROUGH THEM. BECAUSE THAT IS LIFE. YOU CELEBRATE. YOU REVEL. WE ARE ALIVE. AND WE MUST RESPECT THAT.
OH, I LIVED. HAHAHAHAHAH. THATS ME IN THE TOP PHOTO. AND NOW I LIVES. X
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The first time the word “suicide” entered my house was when my oldest son entered 9th grade – his first year of high school. We had made sure that he had all the right clothes – Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, etc. He had joined the High School marching band that summer before and had many friends. However he changed during that first quarter of high school. He only wanted to wear black, he left 20 minutes earlier to school, he died his hair black, he never had homework etc.
His mid-term report card came in the mail and it was all D’s and F’s. WTF?!!! He got all A’s and B’s in middle school! When we asked him what happend he wouldn’t answer. My husband and I drove up to the school and emptied his locker. THAT was when we found a Suicide Prevention brochure. I bawled my eyes out!
When we returned home he broke down crying and told us the whole story. Two boys were bullying him at his locker. They were calling him Man-Boobs, Gay, etc. They were touching him there and trying to steel his iTouch. I had no idea that he wasn’t going to his locker anymore and wore his letter jacket and backpack all day just so he didn’t have to go to his locker.
He was too ashamed to tell us. I called the school principal and he talked to the bullies and called me back telling me that the bullies denied it so they couldn’t do anything. WTF!!!! There are cameras all over that school – above the lockers even!
I watched out the window that day while my son was walking home – there was a boy about 20 feet behind him who picked up a rock and threw it at my son, hitting him in the back, my son just kept walking forward..
My son is now 20. He has never had a girlfriend. Nor a boyfriend.
I try to pretend that bullies have no idea what they are doing – how their bullying affects their victims during their entire future life.
My 2nd son is now 14 and is almost anorexic. He is SOOOO terrified of being pudgy, like his brother, he doesn’t think he could stand up to bullies. He asks about the nutritional value in everything! Good lord – “I don’t care how many fat grams are in a McDonald’s French Fry since you only eat them once a month – just let me enjoy the greasy-saltiness of it!”
Bottom line- if any of your kids are being bulled – take them out of school. They can get their GED online. Once they graduate from high school their life begins – the best life ever!
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I lost my Brother and 2 friends to suicide. I still haven’t come to a place where its easy to talk about or comprehend. All I can say to anyone is please don’t ever because people in your life love you too much and hope is the light that never turns off. Love to all x
Lately I think about it often. This last few years have been the hardest i’ve ever been through. Son who has been ill to the point of being suicidal, the earthquakes that have displaced me from my home, an uncertain future and what seems to be no sign of letting up. My job I have always loved and my boss who for some reason (since she got a new boss) treats me like shit and gives me less and less work everyday except for the menial stuff. Instead all my work seems to go to the guy who looks after the PC’s (I’m mac based). I dont understand that. It seems like she wants me to be the one to give in and leave. I’ve always managed to get through everything. I’ve never really felt like this before.. I’m a coper. Sure i can have a down day yet they usually pass. This year though. I have coped and coped and coped and feel worn down further and further. I can see the sense that things will get better. I do understand that this is just another valley that I am walking through and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
So why do i think that ending my life would be easier.. My sons wouldnt think so. My family who I’m sure might miss me. I’ve always said that suicide shouldnt be an option for anyone.. that things couldnt get that bad… so why do I consider it all the time.
i think it is human nature. life can be total shit. and they don’t prepare or tell us that. and the mess you leave behind is far worse than the mess you think your life is worse. kia kaha my love. lots of people know how you feel. and talking about it is good and realize you are not alone and is very common xxx
It’s good that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you keep feeling worn down you can reach out for help. A little bit of counselling can go a long way in putting things in perspective. In NZ if you are in a married or de facto relationship you can have 6 free sessions of counselling through relationship services or other therapists. We’ve used those 3 or 4 times. (You do address things from a relationship perspective, but it’s a good opportunity to talk about what’s stressful in your life).
Self-care is so important to – nurture yourself and do things that make you happy – I’ve learned the hard way that doing those sorts of things is so crucial to maintaining your balance.
unfortunately that leaves me out as a single parent.. I do know that I can get free counselling at my doctors as “earthquake” relief… might have to take that up sometime.. first i’ll just through the rest of my work year.. thanks RedBess and Steve.. I know you know who I am and my background.. it does feel better when i talk about it.. just hate to feel like i’m whinging all the time.
Also need to be proactive about my job… there’s something going on there and i’m not really happy with the way i’m being treated.
well, i know damn well as well how horrible a crap work place and be and can just be hard to shake. really try to sort it out, that will really help i think. and love you lots my love. know you sure as hell are not alone and many people love the hell out of you. xxxxx
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Concerning Suicide: Don’t Suffer In Silence
The first time I wanted to die was at the age of five when the parental sexual abuse that began a year prior took an even uglier turn. My father had chosen to rent my body to other pedophiles to make a lot of money. This happened in our home. At that time, having been kept from social interaction and most TV all my short life, I had no idea how to die. Later, I tried to kill myself several times. Mostly, my mother found me in time, or one of my two friends stopped me. If my father stopped me, it was with a beating. How dare I attempt to rob him of his property? Throughout my life I’ve considered suicide to be an option, a way to escape a horrid life of abuse by a man whose hobby was trying out ways to torture his son.
The most recent time I almost committed suicide was just a week or so after New Year’s Eve, this year. I’m a rapid cycle bipolar, suffering from agoraphobia along with a grab bag of other phobias. I suffer from PTSD, panic attacks, and anxiety. I have tremor in my hands and other physical handicaps that are hard to live with at times, plus the weight of my childhood horrors compounding the rest. Traumatic events can bring all that down over my head. After New Year’s Eve, I was out in town by myself, something I do sometimes as a way to prove to myself I can manage alone. I live in Texas and I always carry a concealed weapon. That night I got jumped by three men who accused me of raping their sister. I’d never seen them before and certainly never raped anybody, but they kept saying it was a guy who looked like me and that was good enough for them. They said they wanted to go home and tell her they’d gotten “the guy”, so she could stop being afraid. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, a guy with tattoos and piercings, dark hair – taking another man’s punishment. I couldn’t get to my gun in the ambush and they beat me very badly. When I finally reached my gun, I shot into the air to make them run and I escaped. I had a mental and emotional breakdown before I finally made it home. Sitting in my kitchen, I screamed at my boyfriend to leave me alone. He left the room. When he turned on some music, Adam Lambert’s “Broken Open”, I had my gun in my mouth. My mental illness had voices screaming in my head about how my family, my children, friends, would all be better off without me. My memories of abuse whispered that I wouldn’t have to think about how I’d been hurt anymore. Then I listened to the words I was hearing with my ears. That song said it was okay to feel broken, but it didn’t have to end me. I could feel that way and learn out of it how to be stronger. I could be safe when I was weak, until I had the chance to grow strong again. I put the gun away, went to sleep, and didn’t tell my boyfriend or anybody else about the incident, or the men who attacked me, for some time.
In spite of all the horror in my life, something in me wanted to live. At fifteen I made a promise to myself. I would try to survive, because children grow up and I hoped when I was an adult, I could escape home and life would get better. The promise I clung to was this: if I reached the age of thirty, if life hadn’t gotten better by then, I would end it. Sometimes when trauma brings it all back like a train wreck, like after New Year’s, I get weak. Yet my life is better now. I have a loving family & children who are my joy, my salvation. I’m in therapy, have been for years, and it helps. In October last year, I turned thirty. It was strange to realize that. This October, I turned thirty-one. My mental, emotional, and physical handicaps still plague my life, my abuse still haunts my nightmares and my waking mind, but I’m still here, I’m still alive.
So now I learn to cope with trauma so it won’t put me in that headspace that makes me consider suicide. Statistics and studies show that men who have been sexually abused as children are often ten times more likely to have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, more often than I care to admit, I do have those thoughts; but I’m learning how to stop them. I find a loved one to talk to, I get help from my therapist, I work to avoid trauma, and sometimes I just breathe and wait for the thoughts to pass.
I intend to beat the odds; because the life I want is right in front of me now, and I want to watch my children grow up. Whatever the circumstances kids being bullied today may face, these things can and do change. School ends. Bullies move away. You survive, grow up, and your life changes for the better. Tell somebody, let them help you. If the first person you tell won’t help or doesn’t believe you, find another person to tell. Don’t suffer in silence. Silence kills.
~ ~ ~
© W.R.R. 12/4/2011
Posted in As Ashes Scatter.
As always, I adore your writing and honesty xx (I think Broken Open and Aftermath are both really powerful songs)
I’ll also add – I had a boyfriend in highschool who attempted suicide three times (that I know of). He had a horribly abusive upbringing, got in trouble at school and kicked out. Got into trouble with the police. The town just wrote him of as a loser and a troublemaker – he did cause a lot of trouble but under it all was a really great, sweet, intelligent and caring guy. None of it was really his fault. I think he got himself together in the end. I just think teens need so much more from adults – a lot more care, understanding and protection and less judgement as all behaviour comes from somewhere.
I think it is so important for teens to hear adults talk about their teen lives. For a lot of people adolescence is horrible.
I’m 33 and after years of swinging between being an A-type high achiever and phases of depression and anxiety throughout I finally have been diagnosed with bipolar II/emotional instability. I’m a total open book about my experiences with mental health now. It’s amazing how many friends (unfortunately privately – there is still stigma) confide in me about going through similar struggles.
Last year I had very severe depression. It was diagnosed as postnatal depression, but really it was just the latest episode for me, but made worse by the demands of caring for small children, the sleep deprivation and we relocated to a new city. I was so unwell – I couldn’t complete a sentence, couldn’t think straight at all, couldn’t drive a car, dial a telephone number. I didn’t know what day of the week it was, what month it was and I just felt mentally gone. I went through extreme anxiety, just massively high cortisol levels where I was in constant fight/flight/freeze mode and I would freeze. Afterwards I felt ravaged and would sleep for days. I was diagnosed with psychiatric disability and got home help, new medication and family gave us lots and lots of support.
It was a very hard time and impacted on all those around me too. I never wanted to die though so I’m greatful for that. With the saftey issues around severe depression I was regularly asked if I had thoughts of harming myself or my children and I didn’t but I realise now in retrospect that I probably had “considered” suicide but never to the point of thinking it was a preferable option. I know exactly how I would do it if I chose to. I definitely have had moments of extreme low and it is so unbearably painful, I can understand why people attempt and succeed at ending their lives.
In my teen years I wasn’t suicidal. I actually thought back then that the definition of depression was that you were suicidal and because I wasn’t I didn’t realise I was depressed, I just thought life really sucked! It would have been so much better if I’d had some help and diagnosis back then, but I was so defensive and unable to drop that social mask that I really don’t think I could have taken help if it was offered.
There were times in highschool I fantasised about taking my father’s gone and shooting people to teach them a lesson. It was pure fantasy but it gives me chills to think about now as we know that really can happen.
I took some big risks in my teens and early twenties – being in cars with drunk drivers, being drunk in dangerous situations, bad drug and alcohol combinations and I look back and realise there are a number of points I could have accidentally killed myself. I was careless with my life because I believed the world didn’t care about me and I sure as hell didn’t care about it.
I’ve been through all sorts of behaviours to deal with anxiety – overuse and abuse of alcohol, drugs, sex, I’ve been borderline to having eating disorder, all sorts of obsessions and compulsions and I have some scars from dermatillomania.
I think probably, no matter what my childhood and adolescence were like I would have gone through struggles as there is a major history of mental illness in my family – lots of anxiety, depression and suicide. I was bullied in highschool – especially in the early years. Not really for any good reason, I was studious and quiet and it was a small town and I had the audacity to be there without having been born there. In retrospect it was so stupid and the people doing it were (and still are) just losers. It did impact my self esteem though – you view yourself through the eyes of your peers when you’re a teen after all.
Today I can honestly say I am grateful for it all. I know that mental illness is more than that – those of us who get to the edges of life are the bravest and I have gained so much wisdom from my experiences. When it gets that tough you are forced to consider the big questions and you learn things that others may never learn in their lifetimes.
I feel so happy and at peace now and I’m happy to be at that point with a lot of life left to live. I’ve got an amazing (and very patient and devoted) husband, great kids, wonderful friends and family, an education and established career, I’m a photographer, a pianist, a yoga practioner, a gardener and so much more. Somehow through all that nuttiness and heartache life happened!
Also what I have learned from being the lowest of the low that what the people that truly love you for is not the way you look, not what you achieve, not even your mind because mine was gone for a while – it is just for being you, that core part of yourself. It is SO nice to know that!
I also know that no matter what you are dealing with there are people out there who understand, will support you and help you and genuinely care. There is so much love in the world, that I know for sure! 
Anyway – you prompted an essay out of me Steve! But it is an issue dear to my heart!
hi babe sooooo glad you are confronting this head on … good on you!!!!
I never tried, but I’m a teacher, and, yes, kids do. What’s scary is that often the parents are clueless about their kid’s misery. I’m glad you are here to entertain us <3
2 Days!! god that’s a long time, I took a few months worth of anxiety medication and it was kinda like having your blood turn to chunky glue, another time I ate toadstolls lol, um drank turps lol threw up in the garden in my undies, god knows why I was in my undies, er i couldnt bring myself to jump off the pier but I had a good cry at the time, so embarrassed to see surfers hiding underneath the pier just in case, running threw crowded roads at night bit like russian rolette, I heard 12 teaspoons of salt can kill you, again vomit. heard theres arsenic in appleseeds, no such luck with that recipe lol All those attempts where when i drug fucked from e and lsd, mushrooms, daytora and opium. i think my mindset was to ease the pain of being hurt by loving someone, if i get the slightest thought to do it, its to escape the anxiety I live with everyday, which is kinda an oxymoron cos youd think anxiety would protect you from harm, cos of the fear of dying, but yeah, thank god im alive, id miss the next star trek movie if I wasnt!!
cheers